10.19

I have lived my whole week with a pounding heart, a happy one, up until this noon.

The morning was spent on surveying the community mall we chose for the BLD SYS I project. The staffs were very nice. They let us took photos of all drawings they had; sanitary, mechanical, electrical and other. I think I've learnt a lot today, such as how MDB is usually placed on top floor, needs quite a space to maintain an optimum temperature. Other than the educational part, we even had some drinks at The M*cking T*les, my longing to go bar since around 2 years ago. It was like a dream come true.

Then the dizziness started there. I won't blame the drink though because it was just a milkshake with loads of mint. Maybe it was just because an overdose of mint. lol

We took a grab from there and then went to uni safely. Time took less than expected. I felt nauseating but it would be such a pity if I throw a 205-baht milkshake up, so I decided to gulp and endure my best.

For the afternoon class, everything seemed fine though..? I did more than the others (in a quantitative way) and got scolded for doing lame things. In my opinion it wasn't my fault. Then half of the class had passed, I started to feel worthless and be suicidal. (Probably not due to Instructor's joking comments) When I imagined about slitting wounds on my wrist, deep cuts in my guts, I feel, strangely, at ease and peaceful. As if suicide was my only salvation.

I felt so down that I actually decided to give up helping TOMTOM practice session although I packed clothes for changing in the evening. On the bus, all I could sense was a heavy blankness in my head and heat in my sinus and eyes. All I could thought about is how am I going to perform my suicide tonight.

When the bus stopped, I forced myself to go shopping, looking for matching to Saaya's fluffy hair crunch and a ring that would stands for my delusional love vow with Mr.G. However, only a hair crunch was bought. 25 baht.

The detour path was took from Siam Center Point to MBK Centre. My dinner ended up at Tomato Noodles, although I didn't order any ramen. lol. They were two onigiris and a dish of shishamo. Somehow I got refreshed..! Suicidal thoughts were pushed back a bit and I now have some slightest urges to get back home properly. Etc..Etc...

My price for an instant happiness today is around 500 baht. My attempt on saving money through the week has been a bit wasted. But that would be no meaning at all if I die tonight, right?

I still have piano to catch up with Mr.G. I still have stories about him to tell everyone through my SomniA:. These were my goals that make my heart pounding. I ought to grant it. In order to do that, I have no choice but to live.